What I learned about myself after becoming a yoga teacher

The first time I set foot in a commercial yoga studio was way back in 2004, but it wasn't until 20 years later that I decided to teach. My own practice had its own ebbs and flows across the years. I swung between asana-crazy periods and jadedness with the performative culture of studio spaces, not to also mention the multiple scandals linked to famed "gurus".

It was thus intellectually odd to want to join this profession, but it was an itch wanting to be scratched. I'm ill-disciplined this way. And also just a little idealistic and naive. I was hoping that maybe I could be THE teacher who inspires her students to pick up a book or question the meaning of life.

Yeah, I don't think that has happened (yet). Because while navigating the asana-teaching space in studios (scarily unsustainable business models), it also has been a season of personal reckoning. As a beginner again, my own ghosts, even those I thought I had exorcised, surfaced in the most dramatic ways. Maybe you'd recognise them too, if you are a new-ish teacher or just anyone who's starting out on a different path.

1. I am still afraid of rejection
   It didn't occur to me that I tied that much of my self-worth to external validation - as a 43-year-old, I thought I was over that. But being "new" in the arena suddenly felt vulnerable. When class sign-ups are low, I have to remind myself to value depth over scale. After all, 3 sincere seekers transformed beats 20 casual drop-ins. (But in this economy, this is not something I can tell studio owners.)
   
2. My energy levels are more limited than expected
   There are full-time movement educators who can teach 70 group classes a month on top of private coaching and tending to their own practice. That's not me. Just seven group classes per week for me can get draining , especially when I'm still keeping my day job and wrangling little kids at home.
   
3. Teaching asana is not the final destination
   As I enter a season of life which calls for surrender, gentle care and nourishment, my personal movement practice has become simpler, more functional. A deep squat beats a dramatic backbend; farmer's carries are more important for healthy longevity than arm balances. Meanwhile, journalling, meditation, sound, tarot and other quieter energy management practices continue are non-negotiable in daily life. While asana teaching is the entry and valuable in learning how to hold a space for strangers, my soul is leaning towards a deeper form of expression.

Putting all of these things into words isn't the easiest thing. It has taken over two years to come to this level of clarity; and there are still so many mental sediments that will take longer to settle. But it's a start, and a step closer to living a more aligned life. I'll take the win.